Looking First for Commonalities, Then Celebrating the Differences

I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to meet new people every week.  They are different ages, different ethnicities, different occupations, different religions, different cultural backgrounds, different family structures and many other differences.  It gives me an opportunity to learn from each of them and to find new ways to communicate, form trust and find ways to help them.

I have come to realize most people want to be pain free, move better, increase their function and live happier lives.  It’s important to find the common humanity in each of us, first, so that we feel like we’re part of the same group and can learn to trust one another.  At the same time, we can learn to appreciate our individual differences and be able to look at life from a different viewpoint.  It makes our lives more expansive, have greater depth and lead richer and more tolerant lives.  Showing that you appreciate someone else’s experiences and knowledge is a step for greater peace in the world.

One of my first patients taught me to look at others with gratitude and great tolerance.  He had developed an infection after having a total hip replacement, which had to be removed and uncertain if he would ever be able to walk normally again.  When I asked him if he planned to sue the first team of doctors, he replied “no, they did not intentionally harm me and did their best to make me better; so why would I want to hurt them for doing the best they could for me?”  He made me feel ashamed for thinking that they should be sued.

I had another patient teach me about perseverance and never giving up hope for finding help for his condition.  All his life he had pain in his gastrointestinal system, which no one could find a reason to explain his pain.  Nevertheless, every year he made new goals and examined his health care team and added or subtracted team members, vowing to find a solution.  He finally came up with his own reason, saying that his father used to kick his mother when he was in utero and felt he was injured during one of those episodes.  That realization lessened his pain.

I also learned the value of communication in relationships.  I had a patient once who wanted to better herself by going to a community college but was forbidden to do so by her husband.  When I asked her why, she couldn’t say but kept expressing her desire to go to school and showing more resentment towards her husband.  Being a naive and young, inexperienced new therapist, I told her she should go to school anyway.  My patient was afraid to defy her husband, but with my encouragement, she decided to pursue school.  Finally, to her surprise, she found out her husband was afraid she would outgrow him and leave him.  So, I suggested that she invite him to go to school with her and that was a happy compromise.


It’s funny what memories stick in your brain.  Perhaps, it’s the lessons that you don’t know everything (and even painfully that you really don’t know much).  See what lessons unfold in your life and be thankful that you did learn something.